GRIEF AND LOSS

Everyone suffers grief and loss at some point in their lives.  Most think it only has to do with death, but it doesn’t. We can have losses related to moving away from those we care about, loss of childhood innocence at the hands of others, loss of loved items (fire, flood, moving), loss of security and many other losses. 

Most have heard of the Stages of Grief and believe that you just experience them in order and then you are finished, but that is not the case. This was originally created for those that were facing the end of their lives in Hospice, Nursing homes, or hospitals. It was about those facing death themselves, not those left behind.  The Stages last different amounts of time for each individual and can cycle back and forth for various amounts of time, depending on each person.

I view the grief cycle like being on a roller coaster.  When at the top of the ride; we can feel the sun and wind on our faces and we feel like things are getting better. We can breathe again. Then suddenly, we are struck by a smell, a familiar place, or anything that triggers the 5 senses or our emotional selves and we slide down to the bottom level of the roller coaster. 

At the bottom level, we have some choices to make. 1. Ignore the grief feelings and “Stuff” them down (sometimes with alcohol, other substances, busyness…). This choice leaves us stagnant at the bottom and cutting others out of our lives or isolating ourselves.  The waves of emotions will keep coming every time we are triggered. 2. Acknowledge the grief feelings for what they are for a brief moment and suck it up while we go through the motions of life.  We start rocking back and forth at the bottom of the coaster, not going forward or backward as we are still keeping ourselves safe from the emotions. 3. We sit in the emotions for a time and express them (cry, scream in a pillow, draw or paint…) and then we come out of the storm with new energy and we go out to live the day.  This is when we are climbing up to the top of the coaster again to get ready until the next wave comes.  If we pick choice 3, the waves will become less in duration and frequency over time.  The others will become a problem for our future.

In order to be successful in this process, you have to go through the process. I cannot stress that enough; that you MUST GO THROUGH the process. How do we do this? Recognize the grief for what it is and do not run from it, or stuff it. This is the part where you experience the strong emotions and get them out; you can do this with a friend or loved one, alone if you can follow through with the last part (finding something happy to focus on), or doing something that makes you happy. Take control of the grief by making those emotions happen at a time that is convenient for you: not in a business meeting, but when time allows. You can do this by intentionally playing a song, cooking a certain food to create smells, looking at pictures, writing about past memories and the list goes on. You are taking control of the emotions by creating your triggers on your own terms, but you have to make sure you are doing this. Do not get stuck in the grief, this is where you experience the grief of that cycle for a short time period and when ready move into something more positive: do something that will honor a loved one lost, share memories with others, or something else to celebrate the life that the loved one had. We can discuss this more in upcoming sessions. Just remember that you are going through a process, not a task list; grief must be experienced not checked off.